Taming the Spirited Child in Me: A Parenting Journey

When my daughter Qaysara (not her real name) was born, one of the nurses asked if she could take her to show off to the other nurses. A stunner baby she was with creamy white skin and jet-black hair. The nurses all cooed over her. For my part, I was just stunned at the miracle of life that had been birthed. I simply looked at her and she looked back at me. I remember thinking, ‘I don’t know you yet and you don’t know me.’ This was a defining moment in our lives as mother/daughter.

Qaysara turned out to be a colic baby. She cried every evening for 5–6 hours before going to sleep, sending me and her father into a frenzy. Her sleep was always short and she interrupted mine several times during the night. As she grew, her ‘personality’ became more and more visible. And stubbornness became her middle name. Qaysara rarely ate anything she didn’t like (she lived off of corn and sweet potatoes as a toddler) and she wanted to choose her own clothes, even as a young child. I remember putting a leash on her in the mall because she never stayed closeby. Everyone in the mall thought I was the ‘worst mom ever’ but they didn’t know that I was dealing with a spirited child.

The terrible twos were really terrible. As were all the subsequent ages. Everyone told me she would ‘outgrow’ her staunch attitude. But every year, I kept waiting. The battles between me and her grew and grew. I remember watching “Super Nanny” on TV and trying the time outs. Total waste of time on Qaysara. She just outlasted them all. I grew weary and the battles between us continued to mount exponentially. Our relationship became unsettled and Qaysara was not a happy child. By age 9, she rarely laughed and anger/hostility defined her personality most of the time.

Qaysara’s younger brother, Adeel (not his real name) on the other hand turned out to be a total gem. He was born with a smile on his face. An easygoing baby who slept 4 hours the first night he was born. And the trend continued. He was compliant, happy and completely juxtaposed his sister’s disposition.

By the time Qaysara was almost 10 years old, I remember picking up a book entitled “Taming the Spirited Child” by Alyson Schaffer and this was truly a turning point in the way I was parenting. I also attended a session by Alyson at Qaysara’s school and I remember Alyson saying, “when you get into a tug of war with your child, drop the rope.” This was by far, the most important lesson that I had to learn in parenting my child.

It was also around this time, that I began to experience a sort of ‘Awakening’ into who I was. I began attending prayers more regularly and starting meditating at 4 am in the morning. As I journeyed more and more into myself, I realized that it was me who needed taming, not Qaysara. I had been engaging in ego battles with her, and in fact, completely destroyed her spirit and who she was inside. I wanted her to be what I wasn’t and I was moulding her in that way. She resisted and battles ensued.

As I became more and more self-aware and mindful, I also became aware of the impact of my actions on Qaysara. I watched myself, literally and very carefully when I was around her. What words was I using? What tone of voice? What was I implying? Would these words and actions allow her to be her true and authentic self?

I also watched her. And her reactions to my words and actions. They gave me cues for what worked and what didn’t. I realized I had to grow in many ways and be my authentic self, before I could help her become hers. And so I did. I started to engage in things that made me happy. I started to notice life and breathe and live more fully. I started to laugh and be merry. I started to enjoy my kids and the time I spent with them. I started to value myself.

Although the transformation led to a divorce, it was a most necessary step in my evolution to becoming my authentic self. Qaysara started smiling and laughing and living life too. She started to appreciate herself. And I poured love into her, lifting her up. Qaysara flourished. She began to believe in herself and her abilities. I encouraged her to be who she was — a beautiful, intelligent, young girl with so much creativity who could take on the world. Our relationship changed completely. We are so much closer now and the bond is unmistakable. I have since apologized to Qaysara for my conduct. The realization was instrumental to turning things around for us.

This is the message I now want to share with all parents, educators and people living in this modern world. Mindfulness is a journey which allows us to explore ourselves in the most meaningful of ways. The possibility it offers to transform our lives is remarkable. As we transform our inner world, our outer world follows suit. The outcome is a happier, healthier and authentic you. And when you offer your true self to the world and others in your life, happiness and authenticity spread — like a wildfire. It’s time to set the world ablaze!